Game Over

I said goodbye to my former life this weekend, and moved out of our house. Chris and I decided it would be best to end our relationship--well, I'll be honest, it was mostly Chris who decided this. Chris went away, riding in Mesquite and I recruited my entire family to help me move my stuff into a storage unit.

Temporarily, I will be staying with with my parents until I decide what it is I "plan to do with my one wild and precious life." I have job interviews lined up and am considering about going back to school as a full-time college student for the remaining year. Chris will most likely have roommates moving in and he'll continue to do what Chris feels is best.

In the end, I love and adore him. I built my entire universe around him, pouring everything I had into the dream I held of us, and don't regret a moment of it. He taught me a lot about loving and living - and really learning to trust another person with my future. He called me on my bullshit, a blessing and hard-love tactic that made me face down many of my demons in a way no one ever has. He stuck with me through the rollercoaster of my most difficult time of life; a feat I don't believe anyone else would have had the strength of heart to do.

Our chemistry just changed very slowly over time; it is like a handful of molecules morphed and mutated the chemical balance in our genetic fibers - and we evolved, together, into something not quite balanced or true to whole form. We both worked so hard to fix US and to make our dynamics work together, and I am thankful for the effort he gave. I am grateful to him for being able to see us as we really were and being bold, and truthful enough to call it to an end. I would fought to make this work, and clung to the inside the burning house until the ashes grew cold.

I am learning how to be alone again. Learning who I am without him. It is so painful to be alone with myself, this new stranger, when everything inside of me is still a reflection of him.

Despite this tragedy, and this suffocating feeling of complete loss, I step back and re-play all the wonderful memories we made together, all the ways he made me happy, and all of the fun, charming, strong pieces of him I'll carry with me now on this adventure down a separate road. I will always love him, and hope that moving forward he can continue to be my best friend. I just can't imagine him out of my life forever; I can't forget someone whose blood is now my blood, who's heartbeat I heard synchronize with mine on those dark, quiet nights together in our bed.

I don't want to erase this blog site, and all the memories we have here. I just want to start a new one to account for myself. So from now on, you can see me at www.christiewilkes.wordpress.com.

Chris, Keno & Lincoln - me and Shitty will miss you and think about you everyday. All our love.